The First Step Of My Journey

After not leaving my house for some day's, I decided I wanted to go on a walk with my dad. My dad always wants to be outside so he was was already ready to go, I wanted to go drive to the green belt(a huge open space by our house) and walk the trail this was about 8PM in the afternoon. He said "why don't we just go walk to the 711 by the green belt instead of driving there I was open to it and decided to just walk to 711 with him. While we were walking (please note me and my dad have not went on walk in months like this if not years) we started talking about all kinds of things from the world, to people and my social anxiety. My father is a very wise man he might not be book smart but he is very street smart and in a world like this I think it is an admirable thing to have up to a certain point, you don't want to go stealing cars and selling drugs.

One of the first things we started talking about was how my anxiety makes me think everyone is staring at me and judging me. He says that its all in my head, but I feel like it's something real, something that we all do and experience. Think of a time you saw a rugged-ed guy asking for money outside a mall or any place. You instantly thought he was probably begging for money because he don't want to work for it. But little did you know he just got fired from his job he was at for 13 years without any warning whatsoever, all because the company needed to cutback expenses. You had a pre-existing image of why he was doing asking you for money, we all do it but my anxiety pays more attention to the little glances that people do when your out in public, my heart starts racing and so many thoughts are running through my head. The thoughts are going faster than a speeding bullet, this is my anxiety disorder.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was a freshman in high school, I was a straight A student at the start of my freshman year then it all started going down-hill for no apparent reason. Well there was, I was bullied in school for many years, I was just an easy target, I made myself a target. Everyone would always tease me and call me names like faggot, gay boy, pussy and all of the above. Another big thing happened in my life, something so big I don't like talking about and I will eventually talk about it in my blog-life-series. 

​My anxiety was racing when me and my dad almost reached 711, I was scared of all the cars passing and thinking everyone was judging me and thinking some of the worst things. The things I would imagine them saying is "he walks like such a faggot", "look at that ugly gay guy", or "poor guy looks sad" but this is my anxiety and past experiences talking. Yes we all judge people but none is going to sit there and judge you for no longer then a quick TV commercial. At the end of the day nobody cares about you except your friends, family and people you associate with. That's the fact of life, we all care about if something is affecting us, if it isn't then it has no relevance to our life.

Finally when me and my dad reached 711 I could feel a weight off my shoulders, and the foggy cloud above my head dissipate more. I waited outside with the dog, yes I could of tied her up to a poll or something but I wasn't ready to go inside of the 711 out of fear of the people and the fear of feeling awkward. While we were walking back my anxiety was a little less intense then when we started walking to 711. Maybe facing my anxiety is going to be the only way to save myself from this dreadful depression that comes along with the anxiety.