Where do I go from here? I'm still on my plane from Boston to Denver. Do I go back and work and go back to school or continue the phone refurbishing business and make it into something tangible. 

I think in life we forget that everything is temporary and life is constant. A lot of us forget to actually cherish ourselves while with others and we focus on them, but in reality we are the most important person that we will spend our lives with.
Who is there for you in the morning when you get up? that person in the mirror will always be there. You choose to love or dislike that reflection you see.

I don't know where life will take me from here, but I will work on myself and grow. Becoming a more respectful and open person will be my next project.

We tend to see yourselves as is and that is how it's supposed to be, but in reality that's not how it should be, we look at ourselves sometimes with anger, pity and guilt. Even when someone does something wrong or damaging you shouldn't focus on just the wrong but the good in that person. When you focus solely on the wrong thats s when you start seeing that person or persons as that action you are focusing on. My mom once told me to not judge the person on one action but on his character and heart and that one action doesn't define a man.

Me and my current boyfriend Rory are still together, but this advice is from someone who has experienced being with someone while they study across the world for months and in some cases years, but in this case it's three months.

​It was four months into the relationship April of 2016 to be exact and I found out my boyfriend was going to be studying abroad in Spain for three months in the coming months. Me being the passive person I am, I told my boyfriend  "we will talk about this when you are 1 month out from going." the months flew by so fast that I didn't believe it was time for him to go. We finally came to the conclusion that we weren't going to be with each other for three months. At this time we were pondering the idea of me going out there in the middle of the three months to share the experience with him or in his own words "to be selfish" I had just gotten my school refund and had no expenses or bills to pay, so we both thought it could become a reality for me to go visit a bunch of countries with him. The last two weeks of him being in Denver, CO where we lived he basically uninvited me and told me that "I don't know when my school will let me have free time to go explore and my school will be doing trips of their own." hearing this crushed me because we had made it such a big deal. It rolled out of his mouth like nothing but to me it was a jab to my heart. We decided I wasn't going to go and we agreed on it together. The last day before he left was not how I imagined it, it was very quick and short.

We looked at the calendar and we decided it was time to go to his Grandmas to pack and get ready for him to go to the airport. After him saying goodbye and me saying goodbye to his family which was very emotional, I decided to drive him to the airport. Driving to the airport we really did not talk much, I played sad music because I was sad he was going but I looked inside his eyes and he was ready for this new adventure, I was a bit sad that I couldn't go with him and the fact that he didn't look sad a tad bit for me. We arrived at the airport, I helped him with his bags and I gave him hug and wanted to cry and tell him I will miss him and that I love him. We hugged for a second and I was pushed off by him because he was in a rush to get to on his flight. I just dropped my first boyfriend off at the airport that I was madly in love with and he just gave me a quick and unmeaning full goodbye. Driving from the airport back to my house I cried the entire time because I felt unloved and felt an emotional void. I ended up going home and took a nap, I got a call a few hours later from him telling me he missed his plane. Hearing this I was naturally happy because this was a sign from above that we didn't say a meaningful goodbye and it was another chance to do just that. I ended up going back and picking up him back up and he told me his re-seceduled flight is for tomorrow, I got so happy because I had this extra night with him. 

We drove back home and talked about life and how he was bummed he missed his flight. Later that night we ended up smoking weed and hotboxing my car which is leaving all the windows closed and smoking weed till it's smokey. We were high and I expressed my feelings to him and how much I will miss him, he expressed some feelings and that did emotional fill some of that void. The morning came and it was time for me to take him to the airport, I told him I am not going to take him because of how he left me feeling yesterday and that he could take a Uber. He said goodbye to me from my room and we hugged, this time he looked more emotional and not ready to go. He made his flight this time and got to Spain safe.  

After a week with him being there he told me that I should come out now, I was pissed because why did he change his mind now? he said he actually does have time and wants me to come. I had the money but was hesitant to go now due to him not wanting me to go in the first place, I gave him 3,000$ to plan the entire trip but then I did not end up wanting to go. He told me that he is goin to be selfish and buy it all anyways, I told him again that I did not want to go but ended up giving in. It was now a reality that I was going to Europe and explore several countries with the guy I was madly in love with. But this was a month and half out and I had to live with him being there only over the internet for weeks. This was such a hard time for me due to the fact that I like communication and know what's going on, some may say it's a controlling issue but I just like knowing what is going on so I don't have to worry.

The first few weeks he was there was horrible, he was going out four times a week and not calling or texting me like he used to. There was a eight our difference and I was in school while he was out partying. I'm naturally a worrier and I have many insecurities that have formed from the relationship such as trust issues and questioning my own self worth. I used to cry myself to sleep because he promised he would text me in the middle of his night out to ease my mind. I never got any texts to ease my mind that HE promised to do. This added to my trust issues and insecurities with my partner going out to clubs let alone going four times a week. This took an emotional toll on me.

Let's fast forward to me going out there, my mom and dad dropped me off and I was on my way to London to meet him. It was a very surreal moment to see someone you haven't saw but online after 8 weeks. The entire trip was amazing and I would love to go more in detail but my recent Youtube video called "Countries I Have Been To" goes in details on my trip there. Moral of the story is if you really love someone and want to make it work while he/she is abroad do it, what do you have to lose? they cheat on you? fuck them and move on and find someone better. They leave you? fuck them why base your worth on someone being with you. If you have major anxiety issues and have a lot of trust issues I would recommend either putting the relationship on hold or breaking it off because it will take an emotional toll on you.

Looking at my phone several times at 6:00pm because I know you got out of the dinner at school. You told me earlier when we talked that you would call me when you get out, but did I receive that call? No I did not, that call never came. Instead I get a perplexed look when you enter the door talking on the phone with someone. You might ask yourself, why is he not giving me a kiss? well it's because you always used to call when you would get out of school yet we are trying to repair this relationship and you continue to do the things that have pushed us away from each-other.

There is beauty in the unknown. When you have your entire life planned out you loose some of that excitement of seeing whats next. I live my life day by day and hope that things are better tomorrow and if they are not well then I have to switch something up. Did you know insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Life is a trip and I am doing what I can.