It's November of 2020 and it has felt like a hell of a year. I am sitting here wanting to start writing again because I used to write a lot to get my feelings out in some form. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am dreading it because my family feels broken. I've always been a lone wolf, yet this year I feel rather more alone. Thanks to COVID I feel really alone at times, and like everyone wants to avoid each-other because the risk of the virus from hell. This has been really hard and I feel like nothing will be like before the virus. I was shocked when this all started and did not know what will happen, so so many people died 260,000 people to be exact. All the death and despair has been felt in the air, everywhere I go it does not feel like the same anymore.
Everything is still very different and I am constantly reminded of that when I see masks on peoples face. I just want things to be normal again and not turning the T.V. on and seeing COIVD is spreading everywhere again and people are dying every second in the US. I am shocked that this has even happened in America. The government that was in charge could not protect us like they should have.
Sorry it has been forever since the last time I posted a journal entry. This has been a life changing year for sure and I have been focusing on my health to be the best version of myself. I was just reading some of these old blog posts and wow were these issues so dumb a petty. I am now reflecting on them and thinking how far I have come and where will I be headed in the future. Currently, I am living in my first apartment by myself and it has truly been one of the crazies experiences of my life. The fact that I moved twice during this virus from hell that changed everything. I cannot believe what has happened over the last few months, and just the thought of knowing all those people who have passed away from the virus is mind numbing.
There is something to look forward to that Joe Biden won the election, yet Trump has no given up yet even though he knows he lost. What a crazy freaking year for sure. I hope things will go back to somewhat normal but things are shutting down again in Colorado :(
When I initially saw him he did not say anything to me yet he got on his phone and was engaged with whatever conversation he was having at 10pm at night about one of his organizations. I felt like he did not want to talk to me and was completely disinterested in anything I had to say. Recently, I have been feeling really alone because of this cancer scare, and I feel like my partner is not here for me a, I also feel like my family is not either.
My mother told me earlier that “We are adults and grow kids already.” And I replied we will always be her kids and even death will not change that, she was laughing about my sumac and that made me feel even worse about the situation because my partner told me recently that he hopes that I continue having sumach problems because we were arguing.
It’s really sad yet I hope that these issues are not serious and that I can get back to optimal health.
He hasn’t truly claimed that he is your forever. He expresses doubt way to much and the fact that he needs reassurance from others is very telling. Someone with his brains shouldn’t need so much reassurance. He still has doubt in himself and his relationship. It’s clear that he has now disassociated from the relationship a bit. You can see sediments of this repeated throughout the family and how they act around me.
The negative reinforcements are the cause of a lot of my disparity in this relationship. I sometimes feel excluded and he does it subcontiously without even knowing how I felt about the issue which causes me to have a lot of mental pain.
Today he told me that he wishes I have more stumac problems and said it out of anger he said. This hurt me because I felt like he was telling me he didn’t care about my health and or existence. I must keep an eye out for this because if he is truly not understanding me on an emotional and human level then why stay and have my growth stunted.
HOLD MY HAND
Hold my hand please,
I'm feeling anxious.
Take my hand to calm me down,
You will never see them again.
You grab my hand,
You pull away in hiding
Afraid of judgement
Scared to show our love
I brush it off like nothing
Hold my hand.
I'm twenty years old now and I feel like everything is going okay, but it's probably because I am just going with the flow of life and trying to not worry about things that not an existential threat to me. Somewhere down the line I stopped giving a fuck about what others think of me and it was the most liberating feeling ever. Recently I started being honest with people about my feelings and it has pushed and pulled some people around. Being honest with yourself is a process and one that will go on for years and in-order to find your true self you must be broken and take the hits that life tosses at you. It's how you get back up from all those hits and push yourself through the dark clouds of despair.
When I was about five years old and my Mom gave up her carrier as a dental assistant to take care of her Mom who was dying. My grandma was 82 when she passed I was just 15 years old and I lived in that house for 80% of that time since I was 4 years old. She was one of those souls that wouldn't leave someones heart. I'm going to go into a story about what made me write this post about her today.
Working at my current job I recently talked to someone over the phone processing a sale who used to live on the next block to us and we started talking about how she knew my grandma and how her Mom who which she is taking care of now actually used to go to church with all of us even me as a kid. She mentioned it all in detail how she used to see my Mom and me always together, naturally this made my day to see my grandmas soul still living on. She also mentioned my grandmas other 5 daughters who which we don't speak to anymore because after my Grandma passed away there was a huge legal battle over the inheritance.
This battle lasted over six months with my family all going to mediation, it was my Mom 1 V.S all 5 of her sisters which were accusing her of some very nasty things that we will go into detail about. We were a semi-happy family that all seemed happy and content with each-other but when my Mom started taking care of my grandma something shifted a few years later, my Mom started controlling all her finances because my grandma trust in my Brother and her to do what was right with the money. My brother lived with us for a good 4 years through the 12 something years we lived there. He saved and built his wealth up while my Mom took care of my grandma, keep in mind I was there on the side lines living with them all. After my brother moved in my Mom got clear headed on what to do with my grandmas money after she passed, my grandma trusted my mother with it all because none of my grandmas daughters would come take care of her, only sometimes would they drop in when they weren't busy with work or their busy lives.
My Mom came to me one night looking so scared like she got the worst news possible. My grandma's doctor gave her a year to live. I didn't believe the news at first but eventually my grandma would be diagnosed with dementia a disease that eats at your memory and you forget who the people closest to you are. Let's not forget she had rheumatoid arthritis a bone crippling disease that eventually will glue you to a wheel chair. The wheel chair eventually became her second bed, she would eventually eat and learn to love this annoyance of a chair. After awhile she started forgetting who we were and started freaking out because she did not know who we were. All while this was happening her bones started shifting over the last years of her life to the point we would have to feed her and bathe her. It was a living nightmare to see the woman I grew up walking my nephew and me to school every morning with ease.
After the news she was dying I started failing my classes in junior year in high school. This was all to much for me...
To be continued...
My depression sank in about a month ago again before this I felt like I conqured it and won the war, but sadly I was mistaken. This round of depression is different, because I feel truly broken, I feel like I lost my sense of purpose and have no hope. The depression has pushed me into the hole again, and it has left me crippled.
About four months ago I left my state that I lived my entire life in and decided to move to across the country to Boston with my boyfriend to help him with grad school. He needed someone to go out there with and I thought I was abliged to be by his side, but little did I know he never wanted me to go out there in the first place. I remember his family begging me not to go out there and himself being perplexed on if he should or shouldn't go out there with me. Me being young and dumb I wanted to go out there and live in a different state across the country on my own, but I was in love and nineteen and dumb. I do look back on me moving out there and I feel like it was a mistake finacialy and mentally for myself and him. We wanted to do long distance but I remember how hard it was when he studied abroad for three months and I ultimately decided not to go that route.
After we moved to Boston on August 21'st we stayed in several ABNB's and searched everyday for an apartment. Oneday we looked at this apartment and loved it, he didn't like the neighborhood but I liked the apartment itself so we decided to get it, I had the money and he had part of his and we met with the lanlord at the Haley house bakery so she could get to know us and sign the paper work. After we signed the paperwork we ended up paying her 5,000$ dollars to move in, I have never handed anyone that much money in my life and it was the start of something bittersweet.
We then moved in a week earlier and
I have work in a few hours and I can't stop crying nor sleep and it's going to be a ten hour work day. The last two years have been the hardest of all my years of living, because I got to experience what love is. Not everyone get's to feel what true love is and I had a chance to get a glipse at what it was up close and I am thankful for the beautiful experience.
My friday night included me doing some graphic design work for my new Youtube channel and surfed the web while super high from weed. When I smoke weed I tend to think a lot about the issues going on in my life and they tend to scare me. I've been talking to my ex that I recently broke up with and dated for two years. He just texted me "I don't want to put a label on this." after I confronted him about the photo where a guy looked like he had his ass on him and he was sticking his toung out at it, I can still hear these words in my head "I'm just having fun, I don't see what the big deal is.". We weren't even together anymore but have been talking which is the funny thing why it hurts even more.
The moment I saw that photo I felt so mad because the moment he got home he called me while he was drunk. All he wanted to do was have virtual sex, and this made me mad because I was home crying about the relationship. I've asked a few friends and family members about the photo and they thought it looked a little weird. The breakup has not been remotely easy on me, because I feel like someone has passed away and I can't get them back. I've tried everything but it wasn't enough to keep him. He was to far gone for me to pull him back in, and I have to live with that. Two lost souls searching for love found it but didn't nurture it like it needed to be. Love is a fragile thing, and you must take care of it. One stab will result in the heart not functioning correctly and with many stabs the heart will stop beating. You can try to revive it but it's not guaranteed to pump an inch of blood again.
Sometimes in life you have to just go with the flow, and enjoy where you are in the moment. If you're worrying about the future or past you aren't truly living. I'm tired of not living, so this is me breaking free from the chains that have had me shackled down for years. I'm ready to be free and be the person I know is deep down inside me.
I'm ready to heal, and let go of the past.
"Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come."
- Henri Nouwen
I wrote an amazing article on the divison in our country called "Two Worlds" I do hope everyone enjoys it!
It was about 5pm and my Mom just made stuffed bellpepers for dinner for my Niece Aamya and myself. We were all talking about life and how our week went and Aamya said earlier that she was fighting with a few girls at school and that she wanted to kick their asses, my Mom and me we both just let it roll over our sholders. A few hours later Aamya's Mom aka my Sister calls my Mom to tell her something that was very important, my Mom takes her off speakerphone and then her jaw drops like she just saw a ghost that she's seen before.
My niece at 12 years old was cutting her self with a razor blade. After the call my Mom rushed over to my niece and grabbed her arm and asked "Are you cutting yourself? What the hell were you thinking?" my mom searched all her arms until she saw the fresh slits inside her arm that looked like they were fresh. My Mom started crying and I looked at her with the saddest eyes because when I was in middle school I tried cutting my arms and the reaction was the exact same that she gave my niece.
It's so sad to see a family member not want to live, and or try to self harm themselves, my eyes cried the moment I saw those fresh cuts on her little arm. The saddest thing about it is I suffer from crippling depression and sometimes I don't want to be here myself, and it's a battle everyday to wake up and keep trying after falling time and time again and to think my 12 year old niece is feeling that way is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
A void that wants to be filled,
a void that cannot be,
the void must be filled by the self,
a void that is the self,
the void is filled,
the self is one again with the soul.
You have been in my life since the first memory I have, and I am tired of you being here. I'm tired of you always having to make me look behind my back and always expect something. I'm tired of always trying to hide who I really am and that is this funny, cute, smart, and unwitting guy. I'm tired of always not doing things just because you feel scared. I'm tired of you always overly anlyzing those glances people give you and internizle that to make your unrealistic thoughts reality. I'm tired, I'm so tired of you ruling my life.
Please let me be free my unwanted friend, I have so much disdain for you in my heart. When I look in the mirrior I don't see me, because I see you.
Let me free anxiety I beg of you.
Growing up I found comfort in ROBLOX while my Grandma was very sick with a bone disease(Rheumatoid Arthritis), heart attacks and dementia. Keep in mind that with that type of Arthritis my grandma had, it literally made her incapable of moving, eating and doing daily tasks on top of hallucinations, memory loss, anger and depression that she got from all the drugs she was on to treat the diseases and this lasted 13 years of my life. My Mom was busy taking care of her for a full time job, I was left to fend for myself and needed a way to get away from everything bad that was happening in my life so ROBLOX became that outlet. I joined ROBLOX in late 2007, ROBLOX was just a very small company at the time and still had round studs that later changed into square studs to prevent a lawsuit from LEGO. The reason I stayed on ROBLOX and continue to engage in the game and community for so many years is because of the emotional attachment I have to the game, I grew up with so many of ROBLOX's top developers that still know me to this day, and I bet any money that one of the first employee on ROBLOX John Shedletsky still remembers who I am, the man with the love of chicken.
Let's now go into how I became known in the ROBLOX community. I started using free models and uncopylocked places and improved them to become something new, I ended up getting a lot of fanfare and a lot of criticism for my rise in popularity. I was hated by millions of kids, teens and adults for not giving credit to the original owners. There was nothing on the site that required me to give those creators credit, but keep in mind I WAS NOT the one who exploited the games and stole them, those games were either uncopylocked or in free models My game's amassed over 42,000,000+ million visits and that is not including the alternative accounts that I have had on ROBLOX. At one point in time I had over 8 games on the front page, let me repeat I had EIGHT games on the front page with an average of 3,000+ people on them and the top one having like 8,000+ players, nobody in ROBLOX's history have ever had 8 different games from the same person on the front page. I also had several groups with over 40,000+ users that were fans and people who hated me. When I say they HATED me, I mean they HATED me, these people hated my guts, I was criticized like nobody else on the site besides Julius Coles, I was hated from London to Denver to New York, everyone around the world hated me if felt like.
What have I been doing since? I've been in college studying Computer Science while living with my boyfriend who is in grad school studying health policy, I also have a Youtube channel (valdezjared) and I talk about world events and my life. I rejoined ROBLOX under a username called "iDream4Food" but was unjustly terminated because apparently I am still not allowed on the site because I am me. I have tried appealing the deletion but nobody seems to want to help me, I would love to return to ROBLOX, but people on the moderation team have a vendetta out on me and it's not fair because I have changed and grown over the years. ROBLOX is a place of forgiveness, fun and enjoying the inner kid inside. ROBLOX has shown me that they cannot forgive me for what I have done even after 5 years have passed and it is quite sad and disappointing even after I provided fun, enjoyment and entertainment for millions of kids, teens and adults and helped shape them into the great company they are today.
Maye one-day the ROBLOX team will see that I am not as bad as everyone made me out to be, ROBLOX will always be where I am reminded of that inner kid inside me.
Domestic violence in a relationship is nothing to take lightly. That moment you put your hands on the other person is the moment you lose the integrity if the relationship. In that moment the other person will begin to not respect you. If you stay in a relationship that is violent then you should get out quick. When I say quick I mean run out the door with the clothes on your back, and with your phone of course, but leave all your clothes and materialistic possessions with him and on top of that never speak to him/her again.
Where do I go from here? I'm still on my plane from Boston to Denver. Do I go back and work and go back to school or continue the phone refurbishing business and make it into something tangible.
I think in life we forget that everything is temporary and life is constant. A lot of us forget to actually cherish ourselves while with others and we focus on them, but in reality we are the most important person that we will spend our lives with.
Who is there for you in the morning when you get up? that person in the mirror will always be there. You choose to love or dislike that reflection you see.
I don't know where life will take me from here, but I will work on myself and grow. Becoming a more respectful and open person will be my next project.
We tend to see yourselves as is and that is how it's supposed to be, but in reality that's not how it should be, we look at ourselves sometimes with anger, pity and guilt. Even when someone does something wrong or damaging you shouldn't focus on just the wrong but the good in that person. When you focus solely on the wrong thats s when you start seeing that person or persons as that action you are focusing on. My mom once told me to not judge the person on one action but on his character and heart and that one action doesn't define a man.
Me and my current boyfriend Rory are still together, but this advice is from someone who has experienced being with someone while they study across the world for months and in some cases years, but in this case it's three months.
It was four months into the relationship April of 2016 to be exact and I found out my boyfriend was going to be studying abroad in Spain for three months in the coming months. Me being the passive person I am, I told my boyfriend "we will talk about this when you are 1 month out from going." the months flew by so fast that I didn't believe it was time for him to go. We finally came to the conclusion that we weren't going to be with each other for three months. At this time we were pondering the idea of me going out there in the middle of the three months to share the experience with him or in his own words "to be selfish" I had just gotten my school refund and had no expenses or bills to pay, so we both thought it could become a reality for me to go visit a bunch of countries with him. The last two weeks of him being in Denver, CO where we lived he basically uninvited me and told me that "I don't know when my school will let me have free time to go explore and my school will be doing trips of their own." hearing this crushed me because we had made it such a big deal. It rolled out of his mouth like nothing but to me it was a jab to my heart. We decided I wasn't going to go and we agreed on it together. The last day before he left was not how I imagined it, it was very quick and short.
We looked at the calendar and we decided it was time to go to his Grandmas to pack and get ready for him to go to the airport. After him saying goodbye and me saying goodbye to his family which was very emotional, I decided to drive him to the airport. Driving to the airport we really did not talk much, I played sad music because I was sad he was going but I looked inside his eyes and he was ready for this new adventure, I was a bit sad that I couldn't go with him and the fact that he didn't look sad a tad bit for me. We arrived at the airport, I helped him with his bags and I gave him hug and wanted to cry and tell him I will miss him and that I love him. We hugged for a second and I was pushed off by him because he was in a rush to get to on his flight. I just dropped my first boyfriend off at the airport that I was madly in love with and he just gave me a quick and unmeaning full goodbye. Driving from the airport back to my house I cried the entire time because I felt unloved and felt an emotional void. I ended up going home and took a nap, I got a call a few hours later from him telling me he missed his plane. Hearing this I was naturally happy because this was a sign from above that we didn't say a meaningful goodbye and it was another chance to do just that. I ended up going back and picking up him back up and he told me his re-seceduled flight is for tomorrow, I got so happy because I had this extra night with him.
We drove back home and talked about life and how he was bummed he missed his flight. Later that night we ended up smoking weed and hotboxing my car which is leaving all the windows closed and smoking weed till it's smokey. We were high and I expressed my feelings to him and how much I will miss him, he expressed some feelings and that did emotional fill some of that void. The morning came and it was time for me to take him to the airport, I told him I am not going to take him because of how he left me feeling yesterday and that he could take a Uber. He said goodbye to me from my room and we hugged, this time he looked more emotional and not ready to go. He made his flight this time and got to Spain safe.
After a week with him being there he told me that I should come out now, I was pissed because why did he change his mind now? he said he actually does have time and wants me to come. I had the money but was hesitant to go now due to him not wanting me to go in the first place, I gave him 3,000$ to plan the entire trip but then I did not end up wanting to go. He told me that he is goin to be selfish and buy it all anyways, I told him again that I did not want to go but ended up giving in. It was now a reality that I was going to Europe and explore several countries with the guy I was madly in love with. But this was a month and half out and I had to live with him being there only over the internet for weeks. This was such a hard time for me due to the fact that I like communication and know what's going on, some may say it's a controlling issue but I just like knowing what is going on so I don't have to worry.
The first few weeks he was there was horrible, he was going out four times a week and not calling or texting me like he used to. There was a eight our difference and I was in school while he was out partying. I'm naturally a worrier and I have many insecurities that have formed from the relationship such as trust issues and questioning my own self worth. I used to cry myself to sleep because he promised he would text me in the middle of his night out to ease my mind. I never got any texts to ease my mind that HE promised to do. This added to my trust issues and insecurities with my partner going out to clubs let alone going four times a week. This took an emotional toll on me.
Let's fast forward to me going out there, my mom and dad dropped me off and I was on my way to London to meet him. It was a very surreal moment to see someone you haven't saw but online after 8 weeks. The entire trip was amazing and I would love to go more in detail but my recent Youtube video called "Countries I Have Been To" goes in details on my trip there. Moral of the story is if you really love someone and want to make it work while he/she is abroad do it, what do you have to lose? they cheat on you? fuck them and move on and find someone better. They leave you? fuck them why base your worth on someone being with you. If you have major anxiety issues and have a lot of trust issues I would recommend either putting the relationship on hold or breaking it off because it will take an emotional toll on you.
Looking at my phone several times at 6:00pm because I know you got out of the dinner at school. You told me earlier when we talked that you would call me when you get out, but did I receive that call? No I did not, that call never came. Instead I get a perplexed look when you enter the door talking on the phone with someone. You might ask yourself, why is he not giving me a kiss? well it's because you always used to call when you would get out of school yet we are trying to repair this relationship and you continue to do the things that have pushed us away from each-other.
There is beauty in the unknown. When you have your entire life planned out you loose some of that excitement of seeing whats next. I live my life day by day and hope that things are better tomorrow and if they are not well then I have to switch something up. Did you know insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Life is a trip and I am doing what I can.
I'm sitting here writing this after another horrible day with Rory. My mind is tired and drained from fighting with him everyday.
Today started off to a bad start because of many reasons. First off during sex this morning I had my arm hand around his neck, this might sound a little weird but he usually finds it hot, but apparently I was doing it to hard this time. Yet he waited a few minutes laters to tell me I was doing it to hard. Why would he wait so long to tell me it was hurting him? how am I supposed to read his mind?
After this we ended up finishing having sex after he got mad and got 'turned off' his own words. He was in a rush to leave and I got mad at him because how he was acting and I grabbed him while he was still naked and tried kissing him and he laughed and so did I. He then got mad because he was late and blamed it on me even though he wanted to go to bed at 2am while I passed out at 11pm way earlier then him.
After we finished having sex and wasting time I asked him a second time to help me cut my hair in the back where it looked a little ruff, he complained that he would be late and told him it would take only a minute. He then went into the bathroom and I handed him the clippers he then shaved part of my hair in the back off and it hurt really bad and I looked at him like 'what the fuck did you just do?' I closed the door and cried on the toilet seat hoping he would come back in and tell me sorry and wish me luck on my interview(the reason I asked him to cut the back of my hair) I cried for about ten minutes until going out there realizing he was already gone.
After I realized he was gone I cried and it ruined my day even more. About an hour goes by and he texts me at 9:05am "I'm sorry Jared for getting you with the clippers. I was in a rush." and I didn't even reply because I was still furious at him. He then calls me at 1:20pm asking how my interview went, I then express my feelings to him and to fuck off and that I didn't want to hear his bullshit apology with him saying we both were rude to each other, this all was after his third call.
For years I had a therapist to help me with the issues of life, but now I sit here on couch in Boston, MA across the country for my family and friends. Right now my life feels so unknown. Why am I here in this city? what is the point of being here? work? school? all these are the questions I am asking myself.
Will my depression get worse being here, I don't want to leave the house due to the environment I am in. I've never been around so many black people in my life, now I am finally feeling how they feel.
I've been having these dreams, they are very vivid and I wake up feeling as if I was just inside another dimension. The past few day's I have woke up crying, scared, sad, happy and a mix of emotions. The dreams come and go, I don't know what they mean.
My name is Jared, I am a 20 years old currently in college for computer science. I will be sharing my life in words, words are the most powerful tool that us humans have at our disposal.