My depression sank in about a month ago again before this I felt like I conqured it and won the war, but sadly I was mistaken. This round of depression is different, because I feel truly broken, I feel like I lost my sense of purpose and have no hope. The depression has pushed me into the hole again, and it has left me crippled.
About four months ago I left my state that I lived my entire life in and decided to move to across the country to Boston with my boyfriend to help him with grad school. He needed someone to go out there with and I thought I was abliged to be by his side, but little did I know he never wanted me to go out there in the first place. I remember his family begging me not to go out there and himself being perplexed on if he should or shouldn't go out there with me. Me being young and dumb I wanted to go out there and live in a different state across the country on my own, but I was in love and nineteen and dumb. I do look back on me moving out there and I feel like it was a mistake finacialy and mentally for myself and him. We wanted to do long distance but I remember how hard it was when he studied abroad for three months and I ultimately decided not to go that route.
After we moved to Boston on August 21'st we stayed in several ABNB's and searched everyday for an apartment. Oneday we looked at this apartment and loved it, he didn't like the neighborhood but I liked the apartment itself so we decided to get it, I had the money and he had part of his and we met with the lanlord at the Haley house bakery so she could get to know us and sign the paper work. After we signed the paperwork we ended up paying her 5,000$ dollars to move in, I have never handed anyone that much money in my life and it was the start of something bittersweet.
We then moved in a week earlier and
I have work in a few hours and I can't stop crying nor sleep and it's going to be a ten hour work day. The last two years have been the hardest of all my years of living, because I got to experience what love is. Not everyone get's to feel what true love is and I had a chance to get a glipse at what it was up close and I am thankful for the beautiful experience.
My friday night included me doing some graphic design work for my new Youtube channel and surfed the web while super high from weed. When I smoke weed I tend to think a lot about the issues going on in my life and they tend to scare me. I've been talking to my ex that I recently broke up with and dated for two years. He just texted me "I don't want to put a label on this." after I confronted him about the photo where a guy looked like he had his ass on him and he was sticking his toung out at it, I can still hear these words in my head "I'm just having fun, I don't see what the big deal is.". We weren't even together anymore but have been talking which is the funny thing why it hurts even more.
The moment I saw that photo I felt so mad because the moment he got home he called me while he was drunk. All he wanted to do was have virtual sex, and this made me mad because I was home crying about the relationship. I've asked a few friends and family members about the photo and they thought it looked a little weird. The breakup has not been remotely easy on me, because I feel like someone has passed away and I can't get them back. I've tried everything but it wasn't enough to keep him. He was to far gone for me to pull him back in, and I have to live with that. Two lost souls searching for love found it but didn't nurture it like it needed to be. Love is a fragile thing, and you must take care of it. One stab will result in the heart not functioning correctly and with many stabs the heart will stop beating. You can try to revive it but it's not guaranteed to pump an inch of blood again.
Sometimes in life you have to just go with the flow, and enjoy where you are in the moment. If you're worrying about the future or past you aren't truly living. I'm tired of not living, so this is me breaking free from the chains that have had me shackled down for years. I'm ready to be free and be the person I know is deep down inside me.
I'm ready to heal, and let go of the past.
"Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come."
- Henri Nouwen
I wrote an amazing article on the divison in our country called "Two Worlds" I do hope everyone enjoys it!
It was about 5pm and my Mom just made stuffed bellpepers for dinner for my Niece Aamya and myself. We were all talking about life and how our week went and Aamya said earlier that she was fighting with a few girls at school and that she wanted to kick their asses, my Mom and me we both just let it roll over our sholders. A few hours later Aamya's Mom aka my Sister calls my Mom to tell her something that was very important, my Mom takes her off speakerphone and then her jaw drops like she just saw a ghost that she's seen before.
My niece at 12 years old was cutting her self with a razor blade. After the call my Mom rushed over to my niece and grabbed her arm and asked "Are you cutting yourself? What the hell were you thinking?" my mom searched all her arms until she saw the fresh slits inside her arm that looked like they were fresh. My Mom started crying and I looked at her with the saddest eyes because when I was in middle school I tried cutting my arms and the reaction was the exact same that she gave my niece.
It's so sad to see a family member not want to live, and or try to self harm themselves, my eyes cried the moment I saw those fresh cuts on her little arm. The saddest thing about it is I suffer from crippling depression and sometimes I don't want to be here myself, and it's a battle everyday to wake up and keep trying after falling time and time again and to think my 12 year old niece is feeling that way is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
My name is Jared, I am a 20 years old currently in college for computer science. I will be sharing my life in words, words are the most powerful tool that us humans have at our disposal.