Have you ever meet someone who was just so fundamentally different from you but you also felt like they were you at the same time? I've felt this difference between me and my ex Rory.. He was a extrovert and I was an introvert, he liked being around people and I would rather stay at home watching Netflix relaxing. Don't get me wrong I do like people but I have some major social anxiety issues that interfere with my connections with other people but that's usually only if I don't know them.
I never felt this way about anyone, the love he gave me was a love nobody has given me, a love that was true from the heart. Growing up I never had a valentine and finally this random guy I meet at a dinner a few months back and just started dating a month prior to valentines told me to go outside and meet him in his car, I was really curious what he was doing there it was my first ever real valentine, flattered I was him holding a box of chocolates, rose and a balloon that I still have in my closet because I didn't want to loose something so special from someone I cared about.
He would always invite me to go places but me being socially withdrawn with my depression from everyone and everything I did not want to go. He tried and tried to get me out of this hole I was in but I pushed him back at every single turn I could get. In my mind now I think he took it personally, the fact that I was his boyfriend and I didn't want to do anything with him must of made him feel so alone as if he was single. That I do regret, I regret being so self absorbed into my head that I let it get in-between the both of us.
This made us distant in the long run and I wish it could of been different. I'll always love Rory but he has so much going for him, I drained him he said, he wants a man he said, those words still resonate in my mind replaying like a bad horror movie. He is better off without me and we both know this.
Just the fact that I wasn't enough for him, if you really love someone you love all of them not just pieces of them, you love every single flaw that they have, you don't give up on someone so easily.
Just getting these thoughts down makes my mind feel at ease.
Do you remember your first? the first person you fell in love with. Someone you opened up to and shared your darkest secrets with. The first person you actually was afraid of losing. Someone who helped you come out of the closet to your family and was there for you. Someone who you shared memories with and you wouldn't change it for the world.
Recently I got out of a 4 month long relationship, with someone who I won't ever forget. His name was Rory, we meet at a dinner, the smile on his face made me want to get to know this person. Someone who looks so content with life and so happy and may I mention really attractive. This guy I wanted to get to know who he was so I found him on Facebook and messaged him. The un-responded friend request from me to him was still un-accepted. Curious why, I messaged him again and he finally gave me the time of day and I found out why, it's because I had sex with his friend. This made me feel like shit, not only did I like this guy but I had sex with one of his good friends. The night me and his friend had sex it all just happened so quick, I was drunk and was just in the mood, keep in mind their was 3 of us in this bed but only 2 of us had sex. After this all happened Rory finally decided to give me a chance. This was my chance to finally let him know who I am.
We finally decided to hangout and we hit it off but I guess I was to late, he had found him a boyfriend. The fact that he had found him a boyfriend made me have so many mixed emotions. We stopped talking after I found out he was in a relationship with someone. I was snooping on his Facebook and found out he was finally single. This was my chance, I finally can go after the guy I've been wanting so bad all these months.
Me and him started hanging out every few day's, then one night we were in his car. He looked a bit nervous and that made me nervous, I was so confused on what was going on. Then something in my head clicked, hes trying to ask me out. Me being shocked but I really liked this guy so I said yes, I liked this guy so much I was like why not? we both like each other.
After this night I had a weird feeling in my stomach, I have never been asked out like that before. It was so real, plus I was still in the closet about being gay and barley coming out to my family while talking to Rory. He helped me come out to my family and was there for me when I did, he supported me and cried with me, and gave me a huge hug. My family didn't react to it very well, my brother basically abandoned me and told me I was disgusting and to never call him or me nephew again, this hurt so bad coming from someone i'm so close to. My heart dropped and my anxiety went out of wack, my mental health was down the drain almost non existent.
A month passed and still no word from my brother, my sisters are also being salty.
My Uphill Battle With Anxiety & Depression By Jared Valdez
So here is an essay I wrote for my English class, I hope you enjoy.
Having anxiety is like drowning in your own head, the constant fear of the past and the future. When you have anxiety worrying is the norm. Anxiety is a lack of certain chemicals in the brain and when you lack these chemicals you over worry about things that are not a threat. Depression is closely related to anxiety, so when you have anxiety you are bound to have depression also. Most people without anxiety to the extent that some people have it, won’t really understand why you are worrying so much, and that you should just get over it they'll say, but little do they know it is not usually your fault. Anxiety is one the most common mental illnesses in the U.S affecting over 40 million people over the age of 18 that is around 18% of the the population. Having anxiety comes in many forms that includes social anxiety, generalized anxiety, phobias and many others.
My anxiety is mainly social anxiety, but I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. It all started when I was a sophomore in high school, it was lunch and I was walking into the lunch room and everyone was rushing downstairs to the cafeteria. I would walk into the lunchroom and feel so scared and feel like running, I would eat with my cousin during lunch, because I felt that my friends did not want to sit with me, but that was my anxiety talking. She had anxiety also, but I did not really pay attention at the time I was more concerned with myself, I didn't know she had anxiety until recently. After eating I would go to the bathroom and sit on the stall all the anxiety faded away and so did everyone else I would do this when my anxiety would spike.
One Day the nurse called me down for some shots that I needed. Our local hospital had a little school based hospital for the students. We were almost done with the shots and she asked me if there was anything else I needed, think back I don’t know if she could see there was something wrong or it was just a pre-rehearsed question she had to ask the students. I told her I felt like something was wrong that when I would go around a huge group of people or someone I did not know that I would get scared and feel anxious This is when she referred me to the local mental health clinic at the main hospital and I go evaluated.
They recommended for me to see a therapist and put me on medication.
Looking back now I was just in a really stressful time in my life, my grandma was passing away after me living with her for 13 or so years and my mom taking care of her. I used to be a straight A student until all this stuff happened. I do think a therapist was a good idea, but the medication is the only thing I regret going on. They could have recommended natural ways to dealing with it instead of drugging me up like a zombie. My grandma had a bunch of stuff wrong with her such as dementia, arthritis and had heart attack in 2000 and that is when we started taking care of her. Her health slowly declined over the years and me watching that was really really hard on me. The year that the doctors gave my grandma a year to live was the year that was really hard on me I was really depressed and down and missed her so much just the fact that her room was empty and felt so cold and dead and I couldn't talk to her anymore.
After moving out of our home for over a decade and selling it I started going to different high schools because my attendance was horrible and they withdrew me. This caused stress about me graduating on time with my fellow classmates. I worked my ass off to graduate on time and I am really proud of that. My anxiety in senior year was not bad as it was the previous years, it was in remission my life finally seemed to be going to way I hoped. After graduating I waited a few months to get a job at Subway it was my first job and I was there for 3 months.
One day my mom and me were arguing about the house that she sold and I went to work all stressed out. I was making some ladies sandwich and she saw the sadness in my eyes I told her it was my anxiety, but now I look back and that was just an excuse for me to use. I was on the cash register now and I started crying and she started crying, and I said it’s hard and she said “I know I know me and my friend right here we're just talking about it and it’s an epidemic, don’t cry because now you're making me cry.” I told my co-worker I was not feeling okay that day and he said you will be okay, but I clearly was not feeling okay. I called my mom to pick me up and take me to the hospital because I was having an anxiety attack just crying away I ended up going to a crisis center where they allow people to go in and talk to someone about what's going on. They said it was just an anxiety attack, and to just go home and rest after talking to me for like 30 minutes. The next day I went back to work and they said I was fired, but I had a doctor's excuse and they said never-mind, but I put my 2 weeks notice in anyway. I was ashamed to show my face there again I loved working there, but home issues, school and being around rude people was to much to handle at the time so I quit.
Anxiety has been a battle for me and I wish I did not have it, but I am trying to find the good qualities for having it and use that to my advantage. I am trying to get off the medication and find more natural ways to deal with it. The medication has caused too much side effects and I feel like it’s not helping anymore. Anxiety is treatable and even almost curable but you have to work at it with all you got and I am a fighter and I will fight this with every bone in my body this has made me into a strong person I am today and will continue to shape me into the man I want to become.
After not leaving my house for some day's, I decided I wanted to go on a walk with my dad. My dad always wants to be outside so he was was already ready to go, I wanted to go drive to the green belt(a huge open space by our house) and walk the trail this was about 8PM in the afternoon. He said "why don't we just go walk to the 711 by the green belt instead of driving there I was open to it and decided to just walk to 711 with him. While we were walking (please note me and my dad have not went on walk in months like this if not years) we started talking about all kinds of things from the world, to people and my social anxiety. My father is a very wise man he might not be book smart but he is very street smart and in a world like this I think it is an admirable thing to have up to a certain point, you don't want to go stealing cars and selling drugs.
One of the first things we started talking about was how my anxiety makes me think everyone is staring at me and judging me. He says that its all in my head, but I feel like it's something real, something that we all do and experience. Think of a time you saw a rugged-ed guy asking for money outside a mall or any place. You instantly thought he was probably begging for money because he don't want to work for it. But little did you know he just got fired from his job he was at for 13 years without any warning whatsoever, all because the company needed to cutback expenses. You had a pre-existing image of why he was doing asking you for money, we all do it but my anxiety pays more attention to the little glances that people do when your out in public, my heart starts racing and so many thoughts are running through my head. The thoughts are going faster than a speeding bullet, this is my anxiety disorder.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was a freshman in high school, I was a straight A student at the start of my freshman year then it all started going down-hill for no apparent reason. Well there was, I was bullied in school for many years, I was just an easy target, I made myself a target. Everyone would always tease me and call me names like faggot, gay boy, pussy and all of the above. Another big thing happened in my life, something so big I don't like talking about and I will eventually talk about it in my blog-life-series.
My anxiety was racing when me and my dad almost reached 711, I was scared of all the cars passing and thinking everyone was judging me and thinking some of the worst things. The things I would imagine them saying is "he walks like such a faggot", "look at that ugly gay guy", or "poor guy looks sad" but this is my anxiety and past experiences talking. Yes we all judge people but none is going to sit there and judge you for no longer then a quick TV commercial. At the end of the day nobody cares about you except your friends, family and people you associate with. That's the fact of life, we all care about if something is affecting us, if it isn't then it has no relevance to our life.
Finally when me and my dad reached 711 I could feel a weight off my shoulders, and the foggy cloud above my head dissipate more. I waited outside with the dog, yes I could of tied her up to a poll or something but I wasn't ready to go inside of the 711 out of fear of the people and the fear of feeling awkward. While we were walking back my anxiety was a little less intense then when we started walking to 711. Maybe facing my anxiety is going to be the only way to save myself from this dreadful depression that comes along with the anxiety.
My name is Jared, I am a 20 years old currently in college for computer science. I will be sharing my life in words, words are the most powerful tool that us humans have at our disposal.