Life feels so uncertain right now, after losing my best friend and boyfriend I feel so lost. The thing is I need to look at it like it was something that was unavoidable with all the verbal and physical abuse. Even after everything that happened I will never forget you, my first love, my first everything. You and me had this connection that rubble through time and space, I guess that's what they call being in love. Even in all the ugly there was so much beauty and I need to remember those moments.
Thank you for teaching me how to love another person and myself in the process of it all.
They say time heals all wounds, I really do hope so. Ending it after a year and four months is painful at the very least with him being my first love. I've learned so much from this relationship, traveling the world, coming out as gay, getting to know someone amazing, meeting their family, them meeting my family and most importantly learning that someone is able to love me. Now it's time for me to reflect on what my wrongs were in the relationship and how I can make sure not to make the same mistakes in my next relationships.
First off Jared, never talk to your past ex's while in a new relationship, it's disrespectful and shows you don't have respect for your partner, yes Jared even being friends with them is NOT okay, don't make your partner feel insecure and unwanted. Secondly, try and make the effort to show you care about what's most important to them such as school, work, friends or family. Another thing, have respect for your partner, mutual respect is key for a healthy relationship. Lastly, communication is key, without trust and communication the relationship will not work.
Thank you, Rory Moore for letting me get to know such an amazingly bright intellectual person as yourself and letting me see my true value. Jared don't be afraid to fall in love again, you deserve the world, you are special and have so much potential. One day somebody will accept you for all your flaws and all because....
...You are worthy of love.
The loneliness has crept up on me again, his failure to recognize the pain he has brought on me. He thinks that I've hurt him, but I have been hurt also. Isn't love trying to comfort the one you hurt along with yourself? I question his love for me not because of what I've seen but because of what I have felt from him. The bland replies is one of the first signs I have noticed. The loss of communication is another big red flag I have seen.
Is this love?
Are we distant or are we not? that blank look we both give each-other makes me think so. The love is still there but the spite, hate and dislike shines through. Is this love? I Googled the definition of "love" curious on what the meaning of love is. One meaning is "feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)." but my definition of love differs, love is something that cannot be replaced, love is doing things for no reason just because you can, love is taking someones baggage and carrying it as your own, love is showing someone you care about them without needed recognition, love is forgiving someone even when they don't deserve to be forgiven. Now love is NOT doing things out of spite to get back at the other person, love is not doing things to hurt the other person, love is not doing things just to see how they react and love is not spite, hate or anger.
Love is giving, love is happiness, love is forgiveness.
You put your fist through my heart tearing it out, leaving a deeply rooted scar inside me. Constantly fighting, hitting each other like we're strangers without any care for the other person. What have we become? what happened to that guy who used to call me and check on me? what happened to that guy who used to always want to be near me? what happened to us?
Well let me tell you what happened, I remember very clearly those long nights alone without you, my sheets were cold, my eyes were bloodshot red from crying all night because of my depression and loneliness, my room had this very lonely feeling that anyone who would walk in could feel it. You were busy in it all, partying with your friends you forgot someone was waiting on that one text "I love you", day's went by while you were partying while I was waiting for those three words to show up on my phone. Sadly those three words never showed up, instead 13 hours later you told me you forgot to text me because you got to drunk and high and passed out, this wasn't only one time, you did this every time you went out. Angry but subtle about it, I never showed any emotion. After you came back from Europe, there was something seriously different about the both of us, the anger was and still is there, never receiving a sincere apology from you just added to the mental scar that you left. Now the anger and frustration is coming out, is it fixable? only time is the answer to that.
Now if you ever ask me "What happened to us?" I hope you read this, because this is what happened to us.
These past 2 weeks have been really great for me, searching for a job, crossing my fingers that I hopefully get this one at Dish. My PTSD, Depression and Anxiety is under control, it's a battle everyday and I will be the winner, I've started working out a lot more, eating a little healthier and drinking tons of water. I've realized that it's when you get knocked down and you continue to fight even if you feel like giving up shows strength and resilience. Loving yourself is the best gift you can give yourself, I won't EVER again depend on anyone's love to make me feel like I'm worth something because I know I am worthy of the world.
I look at my phone eager hoping to see a text showing me he cares. The saying "Nobody is ever to busy", has always held true to this day and in these instances it holds true still. My subconscious knows that he could send me a text but doesn't, why I ask myself? Could it be because he is waiting for a text from me or is it because it is to busy being distracted by his surroundings. The first one is what I'm hoping for, but if I do text him it's another waiting game that I don't want to play, seeing the 'delivered' text under my message shows me that the message has been delivered to his phone and he has received the notification for the text. Eagerly waiting for him to reply I finally get the text, mind easing the text is I realize that it has been 5 hours. Not a long time most would say, but when myself replies within an hour usually it makes me feel unimportant. It's become second nature to cross check randomly to see if he has been active on Facebook as he has not yet replied, a simple slide to the left can reveal everyone I have most social interactions with on Facebook and he happens to be one of those people who was active 10 minutes ago.
This is not my first but second thanksgiving alone, I choose to be alone these past 2 thanks givings because I will not be around people who don't genuinely want me around them. Things with my brother are still not fixed, my dad went to his families house and invited me but I wanted to stay home because of personal issues with that side of my family. My mom's side of my family is really weird, weird in the way that they are horrible at showing love and compassion to each other. I'm still depressed over my trip in Europe that didn't go the way I wanted it to with my current boyfriend Rory. Things just seem to not be going my way, I've broken down on the phone to him and he didn't even care, I could tell by his face. I'm going to start writing again, because I need somewhere to jab all my thoughts down.
Told Rory the main issues in our relationship and he finally admitted that there is some really deeply rooted issues in our relationship. We will see how this goes.
We need to build on this broken wall of ours, if we want to have a healthy relationship that will last and be strong in the long term, honesty and personal integrity MUST and I repeat MUST become the foundation of this relationship. Without it we won't have anything but an empty void, it will be ugly as we’eve already seen it get. My faults are clear, I continue doing things that are NOT OKAY and I am now sincerely saying sorry from the bottom of my heart that I continue to talk to people from the past, I saw you cry over it today and I did not know it hurt you that much it will NOT happen again and I promise you that.
First off, I would like to tell you how much you mean to me. My life started revolving around you and that is a good and bad thing, you became my main source of happiness and that is another thing that is good and bad. The fact that i'm learning to love another person besides myself is an amazing experience and I am thankful for that. You're such an amazingly bright individual, your passion for your education is something that I admire. The way you show love to me is something I love but we both can work on doing way better, we clearly are in a serious relationship and should treat it as such. We should both learn what's not OKAY and what's OKAY because what we think is small to the other person could be something totally bigger in the other person's head. A really good example is people I used to talk to I thought it wasn't a big deal but actually it was. After 10 months you would think we would have the majority of them already down but I guess not and that’s something we BOTH have to do some major work on.
My love for you is clear as day, I truly love you from the bottom of my heart Rory. You have grown to become someone that has a special place in my heart, we both have so much to work on. I needed a friendly hand that would pull me out of the hole I was in and you did just that, you were my night at shining armor. The love I have for you is beyond what I thought I was capable of loving anyone. We hurt each other so much and it kills me every time when I realize I've hurt you, that's another HUGE thing I think you should work on is expressing your feelings in a more emotional way to me, crying does not mean you're weak, it means you are human. I've only seen you cry a select few times during our relationship and I feel like that is really unhealthy. You are my world Rory, it might not seem like it but really you are. You are always on my mind, you bring me so much happiness, you are my best friend and someone I really admire, every time you question us I want you to look back at this letter and your answer will be in it every time.
We have a long journey again of us, I love you YOU, I want only YOU. YOU are the reason I smile.
I can feel him slowly distance himself from me, the love that was there is fading away. What happened that night has changed our relationship and I feel it radiating off him. My love for him is still strong and is there but I can tell he feels different about me now. This is taking a emotional toll on me and is causing my anxiety and depression to be in full throttle. Just the way he kisses me now is different, the way he touches me is different and the way he acts is different. He continues to distance himself from me and it's hurting me. He still cares but he has lost a lot of love. This might be the end of the road for good because with him going to Spain in a few weeks there is little time to fix things.
Right now I can feel my relationship crumbling beneath my feet. He doesn't respect me and I don't respect him, we both disrespect each-others boundaries. He's slowly has pushed me away and I've done the same exact thing to him. Right now it's only a matter of time before me and him cut the cord and call it quits. We have drifted so far apart that it would be a miracle for us to fix things. It hurts knowing this, all this time and effort on both sides has all gone to waste. Well actually I wouldn't call it a waste because I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much. It was just a heatwave, he was brought into my life for a reason and now it's time for a new chapter in my life.
One thing I have realized is that the only person who really has your back no matter what is your family. Sometimes families do get into fights but when it comes to blood it's true it is way thicker than water. Sometimes I wonder am I in this alone? but I do have an entire team behind my back if even I don't think so.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel so deeply connected to them? I'm feeling like this right now, it feels so uncertain. A part of me knows it's probably not going to work but my heart is telling me he is the love of my life. I just think it's scary that you can get so close to someone and they could just leave without even second guessing it. My biggest worry right now is myself cheating and him cheating, we have no trust in each-other. He has a good reason not to, I do some pretty fucked up shit to him and he also does some really sketchy stuff, probably not to the extent that I do but it's similar hence the lack of trust we have for each other. Either me and him work on trusting each-other or we call it quits.
Life is this crazy roller-coaster that everyone rides sometimes some people have a bumpier ride then others but in the end all that matters is were you happy? were you content with how you lived your life? Right now my life is uncertain and I have several paths I can take. The first path is following my dream of becoming an actor/model or working with computers my entire life. Yes I can do both but I want to eventually focus on one.
My mom and dads split has taken an emotional toll on me, just seeing two people who have been together for so many years (20 to be exact) and finally end their relationship. Being 18 I do feel like I have to grow up quick now because of what I was handed so early in my life. At the end of the day, I do feel like everything that I am going through will shape me into the man I want to become. All these trials are building me up into something greater then what I was before.
I feel myself growing every single day and sometimes I do have some setbacks but I know I am strong and will continue to fight until there is not battle to fight. Being dirt broke is something that I have never really experienced in my life but now that I see the affects of money on my entire way of life is really crazy. Everything in my life up until this point has been handed to me and now I am struggling to fly from the nest. My mom has not even offered any money to help me with anything that includes food.
My life up until now has been crazy, my past and present are clashing and it's crazy to see. Right now in my life I am pretty content with how things are going besides my mom leaving my dad. It's been a few weeks that my mom has moved out and when I think about it I do get sad but I do know it's for her own sanity. Right now me and Rory are doing okay but are relationship is on the verge of either being something amazing or it can all crash and burn. Me and him are arguing about the smallest things now and it's crazy to see how both of us care so much to let the littlest things bother us both. Me and my brother Dominic still haven't talked face to face besides the little run-in at my sister Jessica's BBQ. I finally got a job and it's going pretty awesome the people I work with are pretty cool. The only thing that is bothering my right now is Rory leaving to Spain, trust is a huge issue in our relationship and it continues to be so, trust will make are break us. The constant worry of me or him doing something is almost unbearable. The fact that he will be all the way across the world is scary to think about, 3 months away is a long time, I guess if it does happen then it does but why worry about something that is going to happen regardless?
I still don't understand why some people have the nerve to ridicule someone else's life and how they live it. If someone want's to be gay let them be gay, how does someone else's life affect you? Shit if I want to kiss guys and date them I sure as hell will if I want to be a stripper I sure as hell will. Nobody will ever tell me how to live my fucking life because i'm the one living it NOT you. If people learned to keep their mouth shut to things that don't effect them in any way of form, this world would be a much better place.
My first love, the guy who helped me come out to my family. I've never felt this deeply in love with someone. My heart keeps putting a wall up because I don't want to get hurt, my heart has been broken many times in my life and this one will hurt like a bitch. Why am I having this fear? The fear of not being good enough. Today my sister came over and we sat at the table and talked for about an hour. I just let her know how I was feeling about my relationship with Rory and about what I want to do with my life. She told me some things just come with age, as I get older the more I will understand. She told me to just live in the moment, why worry about the future? If it's meant to be then it will be and I will do just that.
When you're in a relationship it's easy to see the others flaws and not yours, lets say when one does something that annoys the other but you do the same exact thing. Have you ever been in a relationship where you almost cheated but something keep you from actually doing it.
So this happened, I was on Facebook and saw this guy who was hot on my timeline and I ended up liking all his photos and even messaged him saying hey. At the time I knew it was cheating but I did it anyway, it was a little thrill to be honest. We exchanged snapchat usernames and added each other, we started exchanging messages, I kept reminding him that I am not single. He really didn't care and continued messaging me and asked if it was something real and I said yes it is something real. Around 2AM in the morning he messaged me and it was obvious that he was horny and so was I and my boyfriend was out of town, he said we should hangout sometime and I said yeah but as friends. The fact that I knew his intentions and continued to talk to him and I had a fucking boyfriend at the time. This guy ended up asking if I wanted to see his dick and I said sure, as long as I didn't send him one. He ended up sending it and I didn't send him one but I did allow for him to send me one.
Have you ever meet someone who was just so fundamentally different from you but you also felt like they were you at the same time? I've felt this difference between me and my ex Rory.. He was a extrovert and I was an introvert, he liked being around people and I would rather stay at home watching Netflix relaxing. Don't get me wrong I do like people but I have some major social anxiety issues that interfere with my connections with other people but that's usually only if I don't know them.
I never felt this way about anyone, the love he gave me was a love nobody has given me, a love that was true from the heart. Growing up I never had a valentine and finally this random guy I meet at a dinner a few months back and just started dating a month prior to valentines told me to go outside and meet him in his car, I was really curious what he was doing there it was my first ever real valentine, flattered I was him holding a box of chocolates, rose and a balloon that I still have in my closet because I didn't want to loose something so special from someone I cared about.
He would always invite me to go places but me being socially withdrawn with my depression from everyone and everything I did not want to go. He tried and tried to get me out of this hole I was in but I pushed him back at every single turn I could get. In my mind now I think he took it personally, the fact that I was his boyfriend and I didn't want to do anything with him must of made him feel so alone as if he was single. That I do regret, I regret being so self absorbed into my head that I let it get in-between the both of us.
This made us distant in the long run and I wish it could of been different. I'll always love Rory but he has so much going for him, I drained him he said, he wants a man he said, those words still resonate in my mind replaying like a bad horror movie. He is better off without me and we both know this.
Just the fact that I wasn't enough for him, if you really love someone you love all of them not just pieces of them, you love every single flaw that they have, you don't give up on someone so easily.
Just getting these thoughts down makes my mind feel at ease.
Do you remember your first? the first person you fell in love with. Someone you opened up to and shared your darkest secrets with. The first person you actually was afraid of losing. Someone who helped you come out of the closet to your family and was there for you. Someone who you shared memories with and you wouldn't change it for the world.
Recently I got out of a 4 month long relationship, with someone who I won't ever forget. His name was Rory, we meet at a dinner, the smile on his face made me want to get to know this person. Someone who looks so content with life and so happy and may I mention really attractive. This guy I wanted to get to know who he was so I found him on Facebook and messaged him. The un-responded friend request from me to him was still un-accepted. Curious why, I messaged him again and he finally gave me the time of day and I found out why, it's because I had sex with his friend. This made me feel like shit, not only did I like this guy but I had sex with one of his good friends. The night me and his friend had sex it all just happened so quick, I was drunk and was just in the mood, keep in mind their was 3 of us in this bed but only 2 of us had sex. After this all happened Rory finally decided to give me a chance. This was my chance to finally let him know who I am.
We finally decided to hangout and we hit it off but I guess I was to late, he had found him a boyfriend. The fact that he had found him a boyfriend made me have so many mixed emotions. We stopped talking after I found out he was in a relationship with someone. I was snooping on his Facebook and found out he was finally single. This was my chance, I finally can go after the guy I've been wanting so bad all these months.
Me and him started hanging out every few day's, then one night we were in his car. He looked a bit nervous and that made me nervous, I was so confused on what was going on. Then something in my head clicked, hes trying to ask me out. Me being shocked but I really liked this guy so I said yes, I liked this guy so much I was like why not? we both like each other.
After this night I had a weird feeling in my stomach, I have never been asked out like that before. It was so real, plus I was still in the closet about being gay and barley coming out to my family while talking to Rory. He helped me come out to my family and was there for me when I did, he supported me and cried with me, and gave me a huge hug. My family didn't react to it very well, my brother basically abandoned me and told me I was disgusting and to never call him or me nephew again, this hurt so bad coming from someone i'm so close to. My heart dropped and my anxiety went out of wack, my mental health was down the drain almost non existent.
A month passed and still no word from my brother, my sisters are also being salty.
My Uphill Battle With Anxiety & Depression By Jared Valdez
So here is an essay I wrote for my English class, I hope you enjoy.
Having anxiety is like drowning in your own head, the constant fear of the past and the future. When you have anxiety worrying is the norm. Anxiety is a lack of certain chemicals in the brain and when you lack these chemicals you over worry about things that are not a threat. Depression is closely related to anxiety, so when you have anxiety you are bound to have depression also. Most people without anxiety to the extent that some people have it, won’t really understand why you are worrying so much, and that you should just get over it they'll say, but little do they know it is not usually your fault. Anxiety is one the most common mental illnesses in the U.S affecting over 40 million people over the age of 18 that is around 18% of the the population. Having anxiety comes in many forms that includes social anxiety, generalized anxiety, phobias and many others.
My anxiety is mainly social anxiety, but I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. It all started when I was a sophomore in high school, it was lunch and I was walking into the lunch room and everyone was rushing downstairs to the cafeteria. I would walk into the lunchroom and feel so scared and feel like running, I would eat with my cousin during lunch, because I felt that my friends did not want to sit with me, but that was my anxiety talking. She had anxiety also, but I did not really pay attention at the time I was more concerned with myself, I didn't know she had anxiety until recently. After eating I would go to the bathroom and sit on the stall all the anxiety faded away and so did everyone else I would do this when my anxiety would spike.
One Day the nurse called me down for some shots that I needed. Our local hospital had a little school based hospital for the students. We were almost done with the shots and she asked me if there was anything else I needed, think back I don’t know if she could see there was something wrong or it was just a pre-rehearsed question she had to ask the students. I told her I felt like something was wrong that when I would go around a huge group of people or someone I did not know that I would get scared and feel anxious This is when she referred me to the local mental health clinic at the main hospital and I go evaluated.
They recommended for me to see a therapist and put me on medication.
Looking back now I was just in a really stressful time in my life, my grandma was passing away after me living with her for 13 or so years and my mom taking care of her. I used to be a straight A student until all this stuff happened. I do think a therapist was a good idea, but the medication is the only thing I regret going on. They could have recommended natural ways to dealing with it instead of drugging me up like a zombie. My grandma had a bunch of stuff wrong with her such as dementia, arthritis and had heart attack in 2000 and that is when we started taking care of her. Her health slowly declined over the years and me watching that was really really hard on me. The year that the doctors gave my grandma a year to live was the year that was really hard on me I was really depressed and down and missed her so much just the fact that her room was empty and felt so cold and dead and I couldn't talk to her anymore.
After moving out of our home for over a decade and selling it I started going to different high schools because my attendance was horrible and they withdrew me. This caused stress about me graduating on time with my fellow classmates. I worked my ass off to graduate on time and I am really proud of that. My anxiety in senior year was not bad as it was the previous years, it was in remission my life finally seemed to be going to way I hoped. After graduating I waited a few months to get a job at Subway it was my first job and I was there for 3 months.
One day my mom and me were arguing about the house that she sold and I went to work all stressed out. I was making some ladies sandwich and she saw the sadness in my eyes I told her it was my anxiety, but now I look back and that was just an excuse for me to use. I was on the cash register now and I started crying and she started crying, and I said it’s hard and she said “I know I know me and my friend right here we're just talking about it and it’s an epidemic, don’t cry because now you're making me cry.” I told my co-worker I was not feeling okay that day and he said you will be okay, but I clearly was not feeling okay. I called my mom to pick me up and take me to the hospital because I was having an anxiety attack just crying away I ended up going to a crisis center where they allow people to go in and talk to someone about what's going on. They said it was just an anxiety attack, and to just go home and rest after talking to me for like 30 minutes. The next day I went back to work and they said I was fired, but I had a doctor's excuse and they said never-mind, but I put my 2 weeks notice in anyway. I was ashamed to show my face there again I loved working there, but home issues, school and being around rude people was to much to handle at the time so I quit.
Anxiety has been a battle for me and I wish I did not have it, but I am trying to find the good qualities for having it and use that to my advantage. I am trying to get off the medication and find more natural ways to deal with it. The medication has caused too much side effects and I feel like it’s not helping anymore. Anxiety is treatable and even almost curable but you have to work at it with all you got and I am a fighter and I will fight this with every bone in my body this has made me into a strong person I am today and will continue to shape me into the man I want to become.
After not leaving my house for some day's, I decided I wanted to go on a walk with my dad. My dad always wants to be outside so he was was already ready to go, I wanted to go drive to the green belt(a huge open space by our house) and walk the trail this was about 8PM in the afternoon. He said "why don't we just go walk to the 711 by the green belt instead of driving there I was open to it and decided to just walk to 711 with him. While we were walking (please note me and my dad have not went on walk in months like this if not years) we started talking about all kinds of things from the world, to people and my social anxiety. My father is a very wise man he might not be book smart but he is very street smart and in a world like this I think it is an admirable thing to have up to a certain point, you don't want to go stealing cars and selling drugs.
One of the first things we started talking about was how my anxiety makes me think everyone is staring at me and judging me. He says that its all in my head, but I feel like it's something real, something that we all do and experience. Think of a time you saw a rugged-ed guy asking for money outside a mall or any place. You instantly thought he was probably begging for money because he don't want to work for it. But little did you know he just got fired from his job he was at for 13 years without any warning whatsoever, all because the company needed to cutback expenses. You had a pre-existing image of why he was doing asking you for money, we all do it but my anxiety pays more attention to the little glances that people do when your out in public, my heart starts racing and so many thoughts are running through my head. The thoughts are going faster than a speeding bullet, this is my anxiety disorder.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was a freshman in high school, I was a straight A student at the start of my freshman year then it all started going down-hill for no apparent reason. Well there was, I was bullied in school for many years, I was just an easy target, I made myself a target. Everyone would always tease me and call me names like faggot, gay boy, pussy and all of the above. Another big thing happened in my life, something so big I don't like talking about and I will eventually talk about it in my blog-life-series.
My anxiety was racing when me and my dad almost reached 711, I was scared of all the cars passing and thinking everyone was judging me and thinking some of the worst things. The things I would imagine them saying is "he walks like such a faggot", "look at that ugly gay guy", or "poor guy looks sad" but this is my anxiety and past experiences talking. Yes we all judge people but none is going to sit there and judge you for no longer then a quick TV commercial. At the end of the day nobody cares about you except your friends, family and people you associate with. That's the fact of life, we all care about if something is affecting us, if it isn't then it has no relevance to our life.
Finally when me and my dad reached 711 I could feel a weight off my shoulders, and the foggy cloud above my head dissipate more. I waited outside with the dog, yes I could of tied her up to a poll or something but I wasn't ready to go inside of the 711 out of fear of the people and the fear of feeling awkward. While we were walking back my anxiety was a little less intense then when we started walking to 711. Maybe facing my anxiety is going to be the only way to save myself from this dreadful depression that comes along with the anxiety.
My name is Jared, I am a 20 years old currently in college for computer science. I will be sharing my life in words, words are the most powerful tool that us humans have at our disposal.